Life is messy. For all my pursuit of loving God far above anything else, I still struggle. I wish I didn’t. I wish the fact that I desire to desire God alone meant that it was true. But I still wrestle against my desires (and Satan’s attacks) on a daily basis. I wish I would never sin against God again. In spite of that desire, I’m going to sin.
God allows that for a reason. I don’t know the depths of that reason, but I think Him allowing us to struggle and mess up is partially so we can truly know what it means to love and desire Him. I am having to consciously choose God over other things every single day (and every hour). I am having to study God’s Word and talk with Him and verbalize the reasons He is worth more than all else. I’m searching out more of His beauty. I’m consistently fleeing to Him as a refuge when I am attacked and tempted.
I hate that I’m not loving Him as fully as I could, but I think I’m starting to see why God allows that for a time. It drives me to Him.
“But as for me, I will look to the LORD;
I will wait for the God of my salvation;
my God will hear me.
“Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be a light to me.” – Micah 7:7-8
I’m going to fail again. But I don’t need to worry that there might be no one to catch me. God is with me. While that isn’t always true in the obvious way I want it to be, He is still with me. This battle is going to be difficult. I won’t win every skirmish. But victory is God’s. I was reading the above verses a couple of days ago, and they brought me comfort. Yes, I will be in darkness. But God is a light with me.